So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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