I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
