you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
