If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
