Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
