Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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