watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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