I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My life is pants optional.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
