Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
