Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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