maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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