Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
