As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
