Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Randomize
