nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
