So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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