Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize