So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
