They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize