You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
