I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
