Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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