On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
