The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
