i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
