If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
