he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
God, I missed his penis.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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