Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
