I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
