I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
