Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
