dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
