The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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