you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
PANTIES FOUND
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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