I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
