i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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