no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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