i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
