First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
