apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
