3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
