Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
