yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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