i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
