Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
