Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
