Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i drank out of a bidet.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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