I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
