its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
