Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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