i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
