it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
