My sheets look like a crime scene.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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