It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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