I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize