I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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