I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
