Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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