life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
