How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
