watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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