My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize